People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
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The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.