Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
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Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Nothing.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it