INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
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I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
omg leave her alone
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
This is my pinned tweet
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Good morning!