I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
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BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?