Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
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My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
And bowling should be called pinball
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.