I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
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Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
@funTweeters
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.