DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
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Me: Same.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
it must be school picture day
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts