I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
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Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes