“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
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I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
love pickles so much i put myself in one
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*