I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
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Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Ghost costume 😂
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
A short story about romance.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
#Caturday
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours