When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
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Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.