Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
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I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice