me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
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if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago