JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
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Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
pat pat
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.