Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
You Might Also Like
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
🤣🤣
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Is….Is this an option?