Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
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her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.