It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
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Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.