Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
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Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.