I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
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The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
these two trucks have the same bed length
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.