My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
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At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.