The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
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nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.