The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
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Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Banderslack Clamberdorch
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens