No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
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Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Geez man, take it easy.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.