Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
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Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
There is no “we” in chocolate.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.