her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
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So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
This is my pinned tweet
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us