My loaf of bread looks terrified
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[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.