Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
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Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.