5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
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doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings