me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
You Might Also Like
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*