What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
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True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Quadruple digit IQ
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…