Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
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The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all