2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
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the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.