GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
You Might Also Like
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.