so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
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My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*