can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
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God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga