Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
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– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
*gets down on one knee*
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!