I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
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My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?