As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
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Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”