No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
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My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
79.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.