The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
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Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
dutch is not a serious language
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl