Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
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“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
This is so me 😂😂
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.