Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
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I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.