gentlemen, hear me out
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forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Facebook memories be like
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
🙀🙀🙀😹
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.