Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
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I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
So glad we cleared that up
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”