Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.