bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
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I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I love it all
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.