[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
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Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Who.
Did.
This?
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.