People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
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Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.