Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
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How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
why isn’t he texting back
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework