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Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
at ease…shoulder.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.